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Intense oppositional defiance today
Apr. 28th, 2025 02:17 amMinding my own business when someone I dislike makes a declaration about something I don't give a fuck about and I am STILL like 'you're not the boss of me! I'll fight you! On the beaches!'
Just letting that feeling pass through me and move along.
Sometimes when the world gets out of my control I'll do little things to let me feel like I have a grasp on my existence, like look up a topic I have feelings about (not the above) on bluesky and block everyone who crosses me. Lately that search topic has been Neil Gaiman. I'm not sure if it's the result of my frequent blocking but I do hope the reason I find so few people to block is because not many people want to defend him. And that I got rid of all the 'haha I'm superior because I have never liked a bad person in my LIFE' early on. Your hubris will not save you.
Depressingly this is not effective with J K Rowling because there's too much everything that just kills my will to live instead of a satisfactory 'off to the shadow realm' feeling.
If this doesn't work, I buy tiny plastic horses (schleich) because buying + gazing is a powerful two punch of dopamine.
It's not so bad right now though - I'm not spending my day in bed, I've been going on walks, I'm planning to go back to the gym, I got new blue shoes that fit, I'm spending more time with friends, and I'm gonna see if I can successfully bake cakes in my big toaster oven.
I also have MANY tiny plastic horses to gaze at.
Just letting that feeling pass through me and move along.
Sometimes when the world gets out of my control I'll do little things to let me feel like I have a grasp on my existence, like look up a topic I have feelings about (not the above) on bluesky and block everyone who crosses me. Lately that search topic has been Neil Gaiman. I'm not sure if it's the result of my frequent blocking but I do hope the reason I find so few people to block is because not many people want to defend him. And that I got rid of all the 'haha I'm superior because I have never liked a bad person in my LIFE' early on. Your hubris will not save you.
Depressingly this is not effective with J K Rowling because there's too much everything that just kills my will to live instead of a satisfactory 'off to the shadow realm' feeling.
If this doesn't work, I buy tiny plastic horses (schleich) because buying + gazing is a powerful two punch of dopamine.
It's not so bad right now though - I'm not spending my day in bed, I've been going on walks, I'm planning to go back to the gym, I got new blue shoes that fit, I'm spending more time with friends, and I'm gonna see if I can successfully bake cakes in my big toaster oven.
I also have MANY tiny plastic horses to gaze at.