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Aug. 3rd, 2009 04:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crantzSo, I have a confession. I only know four jokes. I thought it was three, but circumstances forced me to remember one I usually flub. Hopefully I did okay in text.
So here are the four jokes I know. They are pretty Canadian in nature, though. That's all I'll say.
A man goes on vacation and has his brother watch his house and pet for him. Every day he phones home to see how the cat is doing.
On the third day, the brother goes: "I'm sorry, your cat is dead"*
The man goes: "How can you just tell me like that?"
The brother: "How was I supposed to tell you?"
The man: "You have to break it to me gently. Like sstart off by saying he's on the roof, and then a few days later tell me you couldn't get him off or something. That way I've mentally prepared myself for the worst."
The brother: "Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I'll know next time."
The man: "Good. So how's grandma?"
The brother: "She's on the roof"
---
A hunter calls 911 in panic. "You gotta help me! I shot my friend by accident and I think he's dead!"
The operator goes: "Calm down, calm down. Look, the first thing you have to do is make sure he's really dead."
"Okay," says the hunter. There's silence, then suddenly a loud shot.
The hunter, to the operator: "Okay, now what?"
---
There's these two men at a bar. They're tossing their drinks back, and the first man says to the second man:
"Did you know this building is so tall that it has these updrafts, where if you fell off the building they'd catch you and put you right back up?"
"Bullshit," says the second man.
"No, it's true! I'll show you!"
So the first man leads the second man up all the way to the top of the building where as he says, he leaps off. And just as he predicted, he floated back up to land beside the second man safely.
"Oh my god!" Said the second man. "I've got to try this!" And he leaps off the side of the building.
The first man goes back down to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender, to the first man: "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
----
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping out on the trail of a case.
Sherlock says to Watson: "Watson, look up and tell me what you can observe"
Watson ponders. "Well, Sherlock, by the light reflecting off the clouds I know we are near a city, by the clouds I can see that we will soon have rain, and by the smoke in the distance I can see our quarry may be nearby." He looks over at Sherlock hopefully. "Are you satisfied?"
Sherlock goes: "Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent!"
*I accidentally had to stop here while telling the joke to Hina due to circumstances, leading her to believe this was the actual punchline. She was horrified. The actual punchline didn't cheer her up much.
So here are the four jokes I know. They are pretty Canadian in nature, though. That's all I'll say.
A man goes on vacation and has his brother watch his house and pet for him. Every day he phones home to see how the cat is doing.
On the third day, the brother goes: "I'm sorry, your cat is dead"*
The man goes: "How can you just tell me like that?"
The brother: "How was I supposed to tell you?"
The man: "You have to break it to me gently. Like sstart off by saying he's on the roof, and then a few days later tell me you couldn't get him off or something. That way I've mentally prepared myself for the worst."
The brother: "Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I'll know next time."
The man: "Good. So how's grandma?"
The brother: "She's on the roof"
---
A hunter calls 911 in panic. "You gotta help me! I shot my friend by accident and I think he's dead!"
The operator goes: "Calm down, calm down. Look, the first thing you have to do is make sure he's really dead."
"Okay," says the hunter. There's silence, then suddenly a loud shot.
The hunter, to the operator: "Okay, now what?"
---
There's these two men at a bar. They're tossing their drinks back, and the first man says to the second man:
"Did you know this building is so tall that it has these updrafts, where if you fell off the building they'd catch you and put you right back up?"
"Bullshit," says the second man.
"No, it's true! I'll show you!"
So the first man leads the second man up all the way to the top of the building where as he says, he leaps off. And just as he predicted, he floated back up to land beside the second man safely.
"Oh my god!" Said the second man. "I've got to try this!" And he leaps off the side of the building.
The first man goes back down to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender, to the first man: "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
----
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping out on the trail of a case.
Sherlock says to Watson: "Watson, look up and tell me what you can observe"
Watson ponders. "Well, Sherlock, by the light reflecting off the clouds I know we are near a city, by the clouds I can see that we will soon have rain, and by the smoke in the distance I can see our quarry may be nearby." He looks over at Sherlock hopefully. "Are you satisfied?"
Sherlock goes: "Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent!"
*I accidentally had to stop here while telling the joke to Hina due to circumstances, leading her to believe this was the actual punchline. She was horrified. The actual punchline didn't cheer her up much.
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Date: 2009-08-04 01:15 am (UTC)